Are You Bullied By Your Spouse Or Partner…

Couple in Provincetown
Couple in Provincetown
Being bullied by your partner or spouse happens all too frequently. This occurs in many more cases than is believed or recorded by the ‘authorities’. This is because too many people are ashamed or embarrassed to tell anyone.

What looks all happy and wonderful from the outside of a relationship, can be the worst case scenario on the inside. How many times on the news do you see a situation where there is a beating, murder, etc. and all the neighbors and relatives say what a wonderful family, couple, or person they were and that everything appeared that they were so happy and helpful and ordinary?

From whom and what I know, there seems to be even more bullying and/abusive cases in the lesbian community than there appears to most people. I also know that it is true in the straight, trans, and gay communities too. This is because most women don’t want others to know they are lesbians, never mind that their partner is bullying them. I would estimate that more than 30% are bullied by their significant other. Many lesbians don’t even tell their doctor that they are a lesbian, so how in the world could they tell anyone even their doctor that their partner is bullying them?

In many situations bullying in a relationship arises out of the bully wanting control. To get control they end up bullying their partner. Many times it starts out by controlling the little things in their daily lives like always wanting to drive or demand what is prepared for supper. This eventually turns into bullying over that the lawn must be cut or towels folded in a certain a way or the bully will go into a fit and slam things and sometimes their partner around. These bullying situations work up to the point into what will be classified as physical, mental, or verbal abuse. Again, many of these situations will never be reported, but will be skeletons in the closet until something major blows up.

Again, be brave. Go talk to someone who you trust and get out of your bullying situation now before it gets worse.

Yes, I can just hear some of you saying, “Well, It is not all that bad.” Yes, it is or will be. It is better to get out of a situation early than too late.

Do you have friends or family who have been or are telling you that this person is not treating you right? Listen closely to them and pay attention as to why they are telling you this. Many times we are so ‘in love’ with this person that we will blindly follow them and don’t listen to those who truly love and care about us. Sometimes it is because you may think that you will never find anyone else or maybe you are getting too old to leave a person or that this person will change or that the person is in pain right now and later it will get better…. Yes, I have heard all of these excuses and more. I know some people where it has started out with a hit and along the way escalates into full blown attacks of bullying and violence.

Remember that no one is more important than you, so get out of a situation like this right now. Go to a friend’s or family member’s place to stay or a safe house in your community. Take the time to figure out what is best for you, and do it now.

Once you are out of your situation and removed from it either by time or distance, you will wonder to yourself, “How did this ever happen to me?” or “What was I thinking?” or “Why didn’t I get out of this relationship sooner?” or “How come I couldn’t see what was happening to me?”.

My answer to you is that it happens subtly and gradually and that you were too close to the situation to see what was going on and you were emotionally committed to the relationship and didn’t want to ruin a ‘good’ thing.

Bullies can be deceptive and play mind games and psychologically control you so subtly that you do not realize what is actually happening. Bullies are masters at control and manipulation. Over the years bullies get better and better at manipulating people in many ways Even if a bully is going to a therapist or psychologist, they will tell the story of what is going on ‘their’ way, so that the victim will look even worse and be in control of what the counselor thinks of them. The only way to counter this is to have something like couple’s counseling so that the victim’s side is heard in the proper light.

These bullies have grown up acting in these ways and perfecting their bullying and control over others to their delight in watching how their ‘power’ taunts, teases, and threatens others. Remember that most older bullies have perfected these ways so subtly that in public most folks don’t even notice that they are doing it to the victim. That is until the bully doesn’t get their way, then they explode and demand their way in front of everyone to everyone’s surprise. That is even more embarrassing, and the victim will make excuses for their partner like she/he isn’t feeling well, is in pain, needs their meds, etc. So get out of a bullying situation early; it will save you tons of embarrassment and maybe even your life!

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